Fears of Falling

Do you know what the fear of falling is? The sudden plummeting toward the ground like a meteor rushing to it’s sudden impact. The debris and fragments that were once whole scattering in such a way that there may be no recovery. We fear this. I fear this. I have feared falling for others because of this, I have feared leaving my comfort zones, I have feared returning. When I walked away from the life I knew, I feared this, and in some ways I still do.

It was mentioned in a show recently, “That’s all we’re really doing through life, falling, grasping at whatever we can while we plummet, for stability.” In so many ways this is so true, except I always saw it as a river. The current of which is carrying us through life, whether we want to continue or not; it flows ever onward. It’s the waterfalls that we dread, the plummet downward, bashing against rock on our way down. Or worse yet to fall into the shallows and be entirely broken for it.

This fear is natural, it’s common. What is now up to you to decide what you do with that fear. What do you choose to do? Do you retreat back, swimming against currents that may or may not be escapable? Do you choose to retreat back to the comforts of things before? Clinging to a branch despite it’s obviousness that it won’t hold forever. Do you let go, and let the current take you and embrace the unknown like a madman as you leap out? Do you close your eyes and grit your teeth expecting the rocks, and the sudden stop at the end? What do you do with that fear?

I will tell you, I chose to face it. Over and over, I chose to leap out and hope for the best. While I have done this so many times, there’s only so many rolls before your number comes up. Before the true reality proves itself in the forms of jagged rocks and unforgiving earth. Is this my number? To have experienced the highest I ever knew, the heights of which I didn’t even know existed, just to break a wing and descend crashing? I don’t have a choice in it. It’s not something I can control. It’s in someone else’s choice.

That’s maddening. To know that you have no control over what comes next. To continue soaring or to fall like a rock, is not in your hands. It’s in someone else’s. The next while until the choice is made, time doesn’t stand still but the next seconds, minutes, and hours pass like eternity. Like it’s letting you know that soon it is coming, just to give you fair warning. The anticipation of pain, and hurt. The anticipation of what possibilities are now spread before you, and what may be too late. The fear is real. It’s all encompassing and takes hold of everything. “Fear Me!” It screams in your head.

I look with every bit of hope I have, I look back at it in the eyes. I stare back with everything I am and everything I have. I feel even more intense fear, it shows me everything I fear about it all. It shows everything at it’s worst. And in the moment I stare I almost want to flinch and run. Almost. I must face it. Accept what I can not change. Against all, I open my arms and embrace the fear. I close my eyes and hope that it won’t be the worst. I hope that my number hasn’t come up. I hope in a future and a real possibility that I will continue to fly. I hope to everything that is possible, and believe in that light that I feel.

I whisper to fear, “do your worst.” I hope it won’t. I hope the fear is illogical, unnecessary, untrue. I hope that the fear is just lying to me, and not ready to stick the blade in and twist. I hope in the current to carry me towards something better. I hope as I leap out and fall that this is just the moment before the greatest time of my life. The cliff diver that leaps out and believes in it and experiences the rush from it. The truth of it being nothing more than just a thrill of adrenaline and experience that they were afraid of nothing. But on occasion the number is rolled, and if it be theirs or mine, is unknown. But I hope. I believe. I have faith in that which I can not see, touch, or hear.

But this time it is different. This time, there has never been such a great height. Never been more invested, but my belief has never been questioned this hard. What do I really and truly believe? Once again I accept what I can not change. I open my arms reluctantly, and embrace that fear in hopes for the best. In belief of better. My tears stream down my face as I whisper in the embrace, “do your worst.”

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