It’s a common emotion, it’s so common and taking over people’s lives in profound ways. Some of the worst cases are driven to suicide, or worse. How can one emotional state hold so much over people? How can people fall victim to the depression? What kinds of things do people do when they’re depressed? Why is murder, suicide or any form of taking life an answer?
The problem of depression is that it doesn’t seem to matter if you’re rich, if you have family, or if you’re alone. It matters nothing but how you feel. It’s commonly referred to as darkness. It’s a type of darkness that is more akin to treading water till drowning. I have had plenty of experience in dealing with suicide, and depression. My own experiences and those whom chose to speak up about it. They have merged here to give you an insight.
The nature of depression is one of simplistic unhappiness. One where you don’t see any form of it, and it’s consuming you. It consumes your energy, it consumes your mind. It’s endless torment of the mind continues day after day, week after week, and doesn’t give up for anything. Not the party, not the event, no way out from what is within. It’s a continued struggle to maintain and this is why I consider it akin to treading water.
I once tried treading water for an hour. I thought it would be easy, considering that it’s just moving your arms and legs in the water. However, as time passed it became harder and harder to stay afloat. I kept trying to kick and paddle myself up but as my limbs began to tire, my mouth kept dipping beneath the surface. After an hour my limbs were numb and rubbery. I was coughing water up, and wanting desperately to swim to the edge of the pool. I stayed. Treading water for another 30 minutes before I had to get to the edge.
As I pulled myself from the pool, I realized how tired I was. I realized that the continued effort tired me to a point that I collapsed on the grass nearby and lay there the rest of the day. This is no different in the depression problem. The treading water is a daily thing. When waking up it’s like diving in the pool again, then off to sleep is the salvation of the edge of the pool. How many days in a row can someone keep that up? How does someone tread water for so long, and manage to continue to put up with it every single day?
That is the question the depressed asks themselves all the time. It’s one of the driving questions that spurs thought of suicide. It’s an easy way to the edge. It was an easy way to quit, to stop having to tread water. It is one of the hardest feelings to feel helpless to the constant effort. However, that’s what it is, a continued struggle to maintain a semblance of being afloat. But why do they continue to jump in the proverbial pool each day?
That is the deeper questions. The proverbial pool is a mire of problems in the individual’s life. The problems can stem from many or one, it just becomes the constant. The continued facing of those problems also causes a particular voice to ring in the mind. That little voice of self-doubt, self-destructive, and it is subtle. Because it is you, it knows the versions of truth to use against you. It knows how to put the truth to you, because it is you. So you essentially fight against yourself.
The pool has become bigger and deeper made over time by the continued perception of it’s (proverbial) existence. For instance, Harry is dealing with a possible divorce. His wife feels he’s detached and doesn’t answer or respond in the same ways. Harry feels different and detached from the “real-world”, from his wife, or kids. Harry can’t explain why he feels so glum. He just doesn’t feel himself anymore. The longer these feelings continue to be, and the more it consumes Harry’s perception, the deeper and bigger his proverbial pool gets.
You see there is two parts of your mind, always trying to balance and co-exist as a debating reference for you to make decisions on. This being said there is two ways that you will mentally take, and if any one side is “lived” in too long it becomes a poison. Such as having too much pride will evolve arrogance. Having too much darkness can lead elsewhere. The problem is in depression you’re not listening to the other side. It’s quiet, and you feel like you need to give it voice (Treading Water).
That story I told you before, about me and the pool. Why didn’t I get out after I completed the hour? Because I needed to know I could do it. I didn’t want to take the easy path because it wouldn’t be the challenge I wanted. Rising up to the challenge of my depression I realized that much of my depression was my own causing. That my own inner voice was destructive, that my perceptions of my problems, and what I did were all me, and if that were true – then I was in control. So I set to change it.
Changing how I felt about myself was harder than trying to change my perception of the world around me. I stopped thinking that the world is out to get me. Much like the story – when I kept going despite how tired I was, I needed to push through this. I wanted to survive. I wanted to make something more than this, and so I needed to push myself. I changed that idea that there is no hope. There is no light, no end of a tunnel.
I broke those notions because there is hope, I could make hope. There is light, because as long as hope exists so does light, if light exists then there is more to hope for. If you have that much than there is possible to make it through, to the end of that tunnel. You can choose to make that over time instead of the continued effort of jumping in that proverbial pool every day. It may not be as easy as these words ever make it seem, but an effort everyday can produce a result that is better than drowning.
The last truth is: When it comes to what you feel, remember there is two perceptions. Your own, and the truth. You may hold your own perception as truth, but objectively no one perceives absolute truth. So what you believe about yourself may very well be wrong. If that is possible, then maybe you can see that there is more than you believed. If that is true, than you can change your own values. Make something more. In closing, remember that the right choice is often the hardest. Suicide is an easy route, and rarely is right easy. Make your choices wisely, and remember it’s always your choice.